The Dive from Clausen's Pier by Ann Packer

I loved and hated this book at the same time. Her writing was excellent, which made me hate the main character. I don't think an author can evoke such emotion from a reader without being extremely talented. I wanted to choke the mom in Bastard out of Carolina. I just wanted to shake Carrie, the main character here. She's a twenty-three year old recent college grad, engaged to her boyfriend of 8 years. She has decided her life is stifling her, she doesn't love Mike anymore, and she is sure there is more to life than this upper mid-west existence she's been suffering through since birth. And then Mike, to her great personal inconvenience, Mike dives from Clausen's Pier, breaks his neck, and becomes a quadriplegic. The rest of the novel is the struggle between her selfish, yet very real, (and if I'm honest, understandable) need to run screaming away from Mike and everyone else's expectations of her to stay and nurse him and, of course, marry him. In her private hell and probably because of it, she ends up hurting everyone who loves her. She doesn't lash out, though; it's more like emotional homicide in slow motion. She's indecisive, yet overly analytical, and can't stick with a decision once she makes one.

Packer was able to create an unlikeable main character, whom I found myself cheering for to do something, anything, and I'd stick by her. But, for crying out loud, DECIDE already. Just when I'd settle in with a decision she'd made, she'd up and change her fickle little mind. Packer made me want to like Carrie and I wanted to feel sympathetic toward her. In the end, I just couldn't. Not because she was struggling with leaving her quadriplegic boyfriend after the accident, but because she was whiney and, did I mention, indecisive. Brilliant writing to make me want to root for someone I didn't really like all that much.

I also think there's some meaning to the name Carrie. She's carrying the baggage of the relationship with Mike. She's carrying the memory of her dad. She's carrying the weight of the decision-ish she made regarding her relationship with Mike. We all carry stuff, at some point or another, but this girl doesn't seem to let ANYTHING go.

Stars: 4 out of 5
Rating: NC-17: liberal fornication (with some description), passing reference to gay relationships, a few uses of the F-word, great deal of alcohol consumption

In a Funk

Have you ever been in a funk? Not a true depression, just a funk. I'm in a funk and I feel like my skin is on a little too tight. Stuff irritates me. Little stuff that usually doesn't. Ministry has been taking my husband away from me and I'm mad. I'm mad he's gone so much. I'm mad that other people cannot seem to make a decision without him. And I'm mad that I'm getting upset over it. It's a vicious cycle. He's gone to Men's Retreat this weekend. And he needs it, believe me. But Friday when he was getting ready to leave, I could just feel my skin shrinking around me. I was irritated at everything. I held it in because I didn't want him to leave with an unresolved fight and WE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO HASH IT OUT. Story of my life. I don't have time for [insert anything fun here]. We've got to fix this. I sent him - are you ready for this? - an EMAIL to express myself. An email. I didn't even have a chance to actually speak to him. I didn't expect that he'd get it before he got back into work on Tuesday. But no, he checked his email at work before he met with his carpool. He calls me on his cell phone with all his carpoolers in the car. He starts the conversation like this: "I know we can't talk now, but I got your email." Wasn't this just what I was trying to avoid??!! I sort of thought he might get mad - ok, I was pretty sure he would be mad because one of the things I said in the email was that I felt like an afterthought in his life. But he turned the tables and said that he felt the same way. I squeaked out, "The afterthought part, too?" He ignored the question and said, "Take off half a day Monday. We'll get a sitter for Ethan and we're going out for the day. I'll call you when I get up there [to the retreat]." Click.

So here it is, Saturday night, home alone with the boys, just as funky (not in the cute fashionista way either) as I was before he left. Taking off half a day adds to my stress, but it needs to be done.

Girls, I need some prayer.

Who does God use?

I have been reading a book by Elizabeth George called "Women of the Bible". I was reading the chapters on Rahab when I was struck by something. Rahab was not a "good girl". She was a harlot. However, somewhere along the line she had heard about God and feared him, although I don't think anyone would say she knew him. So God used a harlot to accomplish his purposes - the Israelite spies hid and were able to go back to the rest of the Israelite soldiers and tell them their scouting report, which ultimately led to them taking Jericho for God's people. Rahab then married an Israelite and lived out the rest of her days in Jerusalem. And she became Jesus' great (times a lot) grandmother. A former harlot is in our Savior's lineage. Wow!

So here's what struck me - God used her when she was still a harlot. She was not redeemed until after she accomplished what God called her to do. God called her before she was even a believer. She had heard of "this God of the Israelites", but that was it.

I think that it's amazing that God can use anyone. Anyone. Even you. Even me.