Table.Twenty

2 Corinthians 1:12-24

2010-05-10T19:41:00.001-07:00

Opening Questions:

1. What was one accomplishment as a teenager of which you felt especially proud?

2. What was one of the most effective punishments your parent(s) used on you as a child?

Background:

Remember that Corinth had a reputation as an immoral city and that it was a city of commerce and trade. It was a pretty unlikely place for a flourishing church to be found. Also remember that Corinth was the capital of the southern province of Greece.

Read 2 Corinthians 1:12-24.

My online Bible subtitles this section "Paul's Integrity". Now that Paul has gone through the letter's introduction, he's ready to get into the meat of the reason(s) he is writing to them. This is a lengthy letter, so his reasons are many, but he jumps in here semi-defending himself regarding why he didn't come visit the Corinthians when he said that he would. His integrity and honesty had been questioned by some members of this church apparently and he's answering these accusations.

v 12: This is a long verse, but Paul is kind of saying the same thing in different ways, emphasizing different aspects of his behavior. He says that he has conducted himself in a Godly way toward the Corinthians and to the rest of the world around him, not through his own wisdom, but through God's grace. It may seem that he's boasting about his own behavior, but upon closer examination, he's boasting about God's grace enabling him act in a fashion that is beyond reproach. What a great thing to be able to boast about! To be accused of something and know deep inside that you've done nothing wrong, yet attribute that to God's grace and not to your own abilities -- that's very freeing.

Proud confidence - (kauchesis - kow'-khay-sis): This word is used 6 times in 2 Corinthians and the other 5 times it's translated as "boasting". So Paul is, in essence, boasting about the fact that he has been sincere in his dealings with the Corinthians. The King James Version translates this as "rejoicing".

godly - (theos): This word is used over 1300 times in the New Testament and almost all of those are translated as "God". One of the Greek definition of this word is "whatever can in any respect be likened unto God, or resemble him in any way". In fact, further down in this verse where Paul says "grace of God", that word "God" is "theos". I am clearly not a Greek scholar, but if I were to translate this, I think I might have capitalized it: "Godly". Just my two cents.

v 13:

Understand - (epiginosko): This is one of the coolest parts of these verses. In verse 13, this word means "by sight, hearing, of certain signs, to perceive who a person is". Paul is appealing to their knowledge of him as a person by their experience with him. He is saying, "You know what kind of a person I am. I haven't written or done anything in contrast to that which you know about me from experience."

Read - (anaginosko): See how close this is to the word above? They have the same root word. This means to know something by being able to accurately distinguish it from something else. Here it means that they know Paul to be a man of integrity by comparing him to people they know are unprincipled. So this isn't "read" as in to have read his letters; it's "read", as in to read a person by his actions.

v 14: Some of the commentators I read think that this has been misunderstood. In the KJV, this is translated as "also you have acknowledged us in part". Most commentators think that this should be understood to mean that some of the Corinthians didn't understand Paul (hence the character assassination) and some of them did; rather than all of them partially understood Paul. It's a subtle change in language, but a significant one in meaning. Paul is calling on those who do know him to be honest and upright to appeal to his accusers. He also tells them that just as they could boast (or rejoice) in his integrity, he is also rejoicing that they have returned to their relationship with Christ.

Lord - (kurios): This is not a word used solely for Jesus Christ. It is a common word used as "a title of honor expressive of respect and reverence, with which servants greet their master". Isn't that how we should approach Jesus; with respect and reverence, acknowledging him as our master?

vv 15-16: Paul is referring back to his confidence in those that understand who Paul is. Paul had originally planned to go from Troas to Corinth to Macedonia back to Corinth, then on to Judea. In 1 Corinthians 16:5, he lays out these original plans.

vv 16-20: For some reason (possibly due to the uncertainty with which he would be received after the painful letter), he decided not to come to Corinth on his way to Macedonia. Apparently some of his detractors in Corinth accused him of being fickle. He takes the next few verses to answer this charge.

vv 17-18: In the NKJ, the first part of this verse says, "Therefore, when I was planning this, did I do it lightly?" In the NAS, it says, "Therefore, I was not vacillating when I intended to do this, was I?" In the original Greek, Paul uses a question word "ara" that implies that the questioner expects a negative answer and it also implies impatience on the part of the questioner. The point Paul is trying to make here is that he did not make this decision lightly and that he was not vacillating and he makes this point rather emphatically. He also wants the Corinthians to know that he is a man of his word and that he is not someone who says "yes" and means "no" or vice versa. He calls on God to verify his (Paul's) truthfulness.

v 19: Paul then calls on Christ to verify his truthfulness by saying that Jesus Christ, the son of God who was preached by him, Silas (Silvanus), and Timothy (Timotheus) had "yes" manifested in his life. The Greek literally says, "Yes in him has been". Jesus is the ultimate unwavering person.

v 20: I love this verse! All the promises God has ever made have come true in Christ, to the glory of God. This refers to the "yes in him has been" from the previous verse.

Amen - (amen): This word has come from the Hebrew to the Greek to Latin and then to English almost unchanged. In a Jewish synagogue, when a person prayed the others responded "Amen" and made the substance of what was said their own. In our own churches, the same tradition remains. Someone prays, we say Amen. Usually we say it to be in agreement with what the pray-er said. Here, it is more like the Jewish tradition, since Paul would have been more familiar with that. God brought His promises to fruition in Jesus and when Paul said "Amen", he was taking the substance of those promises as his own. And now, all these centuries later, we can take those promises to be our own as well, through our relationship with Jesus Christ. All of God's promises came true through Christ. Awesome!

v 21: God established us and anointed us in Christ.

Established - (bebaioo): This word can also be translated as "to make firm" or "to confirm".

Anointed - (chrio): This word is used 5 times in the New Testament and is translated all 5 times as "anoint". However, it can carry the meaning of Christ being anointed as the Messiah or as believers being anointed with the Holy Spirit. Same word, it's just used in different circumstances.

v 22: In these ancient times, a seal was used as a mark of ownership. A seal was widely used in the same way we use signatures today: on legal documents, contracts, and the like. A seal was also used to close up a document to keep others from seeing what was inside; it was a form of security. We believers are sealed by the Holy Spirit and therefore, we are marked as belonging to Christ.

Pledge - (arrabon): This word is strictly translated as "pledge", but the connotation is that of a nonrefundable down payment and that the full amount will subsequently be paid. So the Holy Spirit in us now is just part of the whole that is our heavenly inheritance. Wow!

v 23: Paul is so sure of what he is saying that he is asking God to be his witness to the Corinthians. It was common in literature of the time period to call on heaven as one's witness to something. This idea would have been familiar to the Corinthians, but Paul took it a step further by calling on God by name. The reason he did not come to Corinth when he said he would is not because he is fickle, but because he wanted to spare them his anger and frustration. Paul was upset with them and he may have come with a spirit of judgment when he came to visit. One commentator stated that Paul's "painful letter" was probably enough and Paul was probably hoping that it would bring about repentance without him having to say these things to them in person.

v 24: Because Paul stated that he was sparing the Corinthians, now he wants to make sure that they don't think Paul thinks he's got some sort of tyrannical hold on them. He wants them to know that they are accountable to Christ, not to Paul. He puts himself on their same level by saying that we "are workers with you for your joy". It is by their own faith that they stand, not through Paul's faith.

Workers - (sunergos): This word can also mean "a companion in work" or a "fellow worker".

Standing firm - (histemi): This word is also used specifically to mean "to stand before judges" or "to stand before members of the Sanhedrin". The connotation is to be able to hold your own, not by your own strength, but by your faith.

Study Questions:

In what does Paul boast? What is the basis for his integrity?

How does a leader who uses his authority according to "worldly wisdom" differ from one who does so by "God's grace"? (v12)

Have you ever worked under a leader who led according to worldly wisdom? What was that work/volunteer situation like? Did you enjoy coming to work?

Have you ever worked under a leader who led according to God's grace? How was that (or might that) be different than a "worldly wisdom" leader?

Think about your position of leadership (at work, to your kids, as an example to others). Would those you lead think of you as leading by God's grace? What is a specific example of you leading by God's grace? What is a specific example of you leading by worldly wisdom?

What was Paul probably accused of? How does he account for his change of plans?

What does it mean that Christ is the "yes" of God's promises to us? How does this relate to Paul's argument?

What promises in Christ are you really holding onto right now? How is Christ's manifestation of God's promises real to you?

Who needs you to pray for them this week? Which of God's promises in Christ can you pray for him/her this week?

Commentaries used:

Robertson's Word Pictures of the New Testament

People's New Testament

Scofield Reference Notes (1917 Edition)

John Gill's Exposition of the Bible

2 Corinthians 1:1-11

2010-04-30T09:39:00.001-07:00

2 Corinthians 1: 1-11 -- NASB

Opening Questions:

1. When you were sick or hurt as a kid, to whom did you turn most often for comfort?

2. When was the last time you felt like you were in a "pressure-cooker" situation? What happened and how did you respond?

Background:

Corinth: This city lay on an isthmus between the mainland of Greece and Peloponnese (the southwest corner of Greece). Greece was divided into two provinces: Macedonia in the north (which included Berea, Philippi, and the capital city of Thessalonica) and Achaia in the south (which included Athens and the capital city of Corinth). Many ships sailed into Corinth and moved their goods over land across the isthmus rather than risk the wild seas around the Peloponnese. This brought lively trade and many vices to the city. Corinth had a reputation as a sexually immoral city. [Archeological Study Bible, Zondervan, 2005]

Read 2 Corinthians 1: 1-11.

v 1: Paul addresses the Corinthian church directly and the believers in the province of Achaia indirectly.

As a side note, Paul was successful in starting churches in this province due to the support of the proconsul (the governor of the province). Some Jews brought Paul before the proconsul complaining that Paul was leading people to worship God in a way that was contrary to the law. The proconsul refused to get involved, essentially giving Paul free reign in that Achaia to preach and evangelize [Acts 18:12-16].

Church - (ekklesia): compound word of ek (together) and derived from kaleo (to call or to invite), so "church" literally means "to call together".

v 2: This is the same greeting Paul used in 1 Corinthians and is a common greeting in all his letters.

v 3: It is and was very common for Jews to refer to God as the "Father of Mercies". The plural is used to indicate God's exceeding mercies, both physical and spiritual.

comfort - (paraklesis): literally, to call to one's side. The roots of this word are para (beside) and kaleo (to call or invite), the same root as used in "church", discussed above. Isn't that cool? God calls us, invites us to His side to comfort us. This word is also used to describe the Messianic salvation; Rabbis, therefore, call the Messiah "The Comforter" or "The Consoler". The English word "comfort" comes from the Latin "confortis", which means "to brave together". You can see how you could brave something together with God if you were by His side.

v 4: The word comfort is the same in the Greek here as in verse 3. So we're comforted by God -- He's by our side -- and we can then call others to His side. So due to the comfort we get from God when we're afflicted, we can then call afflicted people to God. Nice!

Affliction - (thlipsis): literally, pressing together; but it is used as a metaphor. Every use of this word in Revelation is translated as "tribulation", but it can also be translated as anguish, distress, or persecution, depending on the context. The root of this word is "thlibo", which literally means to press hard upon, as upon grapes. We can think of it as feeling as though being stomped on. You've seen the "Grapes" episode of I Love Lucy, right?

v 5: Here is one of those verses that's sometimes hard to swallow. It tells us that we suffer abundantly, like Christ. However, we also receive abundant comfort from Christ. He is able to comfort us because of the great suffering He endured while on Earth and the suffering He endures through believers as we suffer. You can see the connection between verses 4 and 5. Because of our afflictions, we can comfort people by bringing them to Christ; Christ, then, is fully able to comfort any and all afflictions due to the degree to which He suffered. Another cool thing with the Greek in verse 5 is that "afflictions" is plural -- covering any and all; but "comfort" is singular -- Christ's [singular] comfort covers all afflictions. It's kind of like one size fits all. Jesus is able to offer comfort because of His great sufferings. Sometimes hurting people can only be comforted by others who have suffered as well. Your trials make your message of Christ more authentic and make you more compassionate to hurting people. In addition, personal experience of God's comfort is necessary before we can pass it on to others.

v 6: Paul is stating that Christians are in community with each other. If one suffers or is comforted, the others see the comfort from Christ and are themselves comforted and/or brought to a saving knowledge of Christ. As Christians, we can look at our sufferings as a way to be witnesses to others, as we allow Christ to comfort us in the midst of our suffering. In addition, Christ's comfort makes withstanding suffering possible.

Patient enduring - (huponome): This word is used 32 times in the New Testament and in each place you can see a picture of a believer sticking with Christianity, even through tribulation and suffering, because "tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint..." [Romans 5:3-5a] In the New Testament, this word refers to the characteristic of a man who is not swerved from his deliberate purpose and his loyalty to faith and piety by even the greatest trials and sufferings. If you are suffering today, know that you can have the comfort and hope that can only come from Christ Jesus.

v 7: Paul continues with the idea of Christian community in this verse, saying that we share in each other's sufferings and in each other's comfort. Paul's participation in suffering encouraged the faith of the Corinthians.

Firmly grounded - (bebaios): This word can also be translated as "certain", "guaranteed", or "unalterable", but its origin is the Greek "basis", meaning "the foot" or literally "that with which one steps". It's like Paul is saying that his hope is as sure as the feet he walks on.

vv 8-11: Paul makes reference to a time in Ephesus when he was so greatly afflicted that he thought he was going to die. Notice, though, that he states that God's comfort outweighs his affliction. While his affliction was great, he wants us to know that he was delivered from them by the God who raises from the dead. Some commentators believe that Paul was threatened by the Ephesians because he turned people away from worshipping Artemis (Diana). Silversmiths in that area were making money because they made and sold silver shrines to Artemis. These silversmiths created an uproar and Paul probably had good reason to fear for his life [Acts 19: 23-41; 2 Corinthians 7:5-7]. However, other commentators believe that this threat was not enough for Paul to feel "burdened excessively" and to "despair even of life". These commentators believe that Paul is referring to plots of the Jews [Acts 20:19], fighting off wild beasts [1 Corinthians 15:32], and facing many adversaries [1 Corinthians 16:8-9], combined with a grave illness, so that Paul felt that he was all but dead. In any case, Paul is letting us know that he is no stranger to affliction or to suffering and that he was pushed beyond his human strength so that he could not trust in himself, but he had to trust in God. He is authenticating what he stated in verses 6 and 7. He is not asking the Corinthians (or us) to do anything he hasn't already done. He knows that God will deliver him, due in part to the Corinthians' prayers. And because of that deliverance, many people will give thanks for the favor granted. Further, Paul wants the Corinthians to know his depth of suffering and subsequent deliverance, so that they might have reason to give thanks to God.

Sentence of death within ourselves - (apokrima): an answer given to a direct question. This word is only used once in the New Testament, although it is present in other ancient writings. The meaning here is "on asking himself if whether he might come out safe from mortal peril, he answered himself, 'I must die'". It refers to an internal dialogue.

Dead - (nekros): can refer to either physical death or spiritual death, depending on the context. Either way, God is the only one who can do that kind of raising.

Deliver/Delivered - (rhoumai): This word can also be translated as "to draw to one's side". So again, as in "comfort" (paraklesis) and in "church" (ekklesia), we see God drawing us to Him. This word also has the connotation of flowing, so that the deliverance is more or less constant. This word is a derivative of "rhusis", which is translated as "hemorrhage" in the story of the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' cloak [Luke 8:40-48]. The NIV says "continue to deliver us", which is a good translation. Notice that there are three verb tenses: past (delivered), future (will deliver), and a tense we don't have in English (will yet deliver). This tense we don't have refers to something that went on before and which now continues at present. All of this information is stored in the teeny Greek adverb "eti". I love how the Greek is so descriptive and has such richness of meaning.

Favor - (charisma): a gift which one receives through no merit of his own; divine grace

Thanks - (eucharisteo): to be grateful; to feel thankful; derived from "eucharistos", which means "to be mindful of favors". This is where we derive our word "Eucharist", referring to the elements of Communion.

Study Questions:

1. Do you think "grace and peace" would be a good bumper sticker to describe what the gospel is all about?

2. What is the relationship between God's comfort to us and our ability to comfort others? What does that say about suffering? How might that relate to Romans 8:28?

3. How are Christ's and Paul's sufferings related to your suffering [Acts 19:23-42 and 2 Corinthians 7:5-7]? How might that bring you comfort?

4. What reaction is Paul trying to teach the Corinthians [vv. 6-7, 10-11]? How did you react to these verses?

5. Paul found that intense pressure led him to depend on God even more [v. 9]. How do you respond when pressures mount? What does dependence on God look like on a day-to-day basis?

6. Whom do you know who is under intense pressure now? How can you pray for him/her this week?

Thanks for stopping by. I look forward to your comments.

Study Guides used:

Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible (Robert Jamieson, A.R. Fausset, and David Brown, 1871)

Geneva Study Bible

John Gill's Exposition of the Bible

Robertson's Word Pictures

The NAS New Greek Lexicon, based on Thayer and Smith's Bible Dictionary

The Only Jesus Some People Might See

2010-04-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. There was so much to see, but my main focus was one thing: Trisha Yearwood. She's a country singer who came out with a cookbook a few years ago. I have it and I love it and I wanted her to sign it. She also has a new cookbook out and she was demonstrating one of the recipes from it on the Cooking Stage. After the demo she sat for two hours signing cookbooks. I was in the last third of the line and she was nice and gracious and lovely and smiled. It was an amazing thing, considering she'd just spend an hour up in front of everyone cooking, then two hours sitting and writing her name over and over.

I thought how lucky I was that she didn't get cranky toward the end. But really, that little slice of time -- 30 seconds at most -- was all I got of her. And I'm gushing. How would I feel if she was cranky and grabby and frowny? I would have been really bummed, although she would have been perfectly justified, considering the circumstances. That was the only bit of Trisha Yearwood I'll probably ever see.

It got me thinking. Sometimes I'm cranky, maybe a little grabby, and kind of frowny. And sometimes it's even justified. But if I act cranky toward other people, it's not a very good representation of Jesus to them. I might be the only bit of Jesus some people get to see. I sure hope my attitude and words are a reflection of the true Jesus and not a reflection of my emotions or my reaction to the events of my day.

Lord, help me to be invisible so that You might be visible. Let those people who might only see me for a few minutes -- clerks, attendants, gatekeepers -- see You in me. Show me how to represent you best. Amen.

Introduction to 2 Corinthians

2010-04-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

My hope is that through this introduction, you will have some context, both geographical and historical, for this letter.
Where was Corinth?

Corinth was in the southern part of modern-day Greece and was the capital city of its province of Achaia.
See map here.

Why did Paul write this letter? Now for a little historical context...

Most people hold First Corinthians in high esteem and may have a hard time understanding why the Corinthians might have not welcomed this correspondence from Paul. Paul was hoping to quell the hostility from the Corinthians toward him, but he ended up making it worse. The Corinthians may have been upset to receive the 1 Corinthians letter for a couple of reasons. First, it’s not until a third of the way through that Paul even acknowledges that they wrote him a letter. He is writing this letter in response to some information he got from a woman named Chloe and some of her friends. His criticism of the Corinthians in this letter is based almost solely on the information from Chloe, which apparently Paul did nothing to confirm before this scathing letter was written. Paul’s words are not conciliatory; on the contrary, they are rather deprecating. So, while Paul intended for this letter to bring the Corinthians back in line, it really had the opposite effect.

Evidently, Paul also wrote another letter to the Corinthians, which they would have received between the 1 Corinthians and 2 Corinthians of the Bible. This letter is referred to as the “painful letter”. In it, Paul was more severe than he was in 1 Corinthians and he felt distressed and regretted sending it. Some scholars believe that we have part of this “painful letter” preserved. These scholars believe that 2 Corinthians is actually two letters that somehow were preserved as one letter. In chapters 1-9 Paul is overjoyed at his reconciliation with the Corinthians and has full confidence and pride in them. In chapter 10, the tone changes dramatically and becomes one of bitterness; this tone dominates through the end of the book. Are chapters 10-13 part of the painful letter Paul references? Some scholars believe so. This may make more sense if chapters 10-13 are read first, then chapters 1-9. With the abrupt change in tone, this seems probable.

In that context, then, Paul probably wrote four letters:

1. An unpreserved letter - After establishing the church in Corinth, Paul left to Ephesus. He wrote the Corinthians this letter from there. This unpreserved letter was probably instructional, possibly doctrinal. They responded back with some questions.

2. First Corinthians - Paul writes back to them and starts the breech (described above). Timothy told Paul that the Corinthians formed an opposition to Paul and his teachings. He also would have heard some negative things about them from Chloe, which most likely propelled him to write this letter. This letter was likely written to the leader(s) of the opposition, as a means of disciplining them. Paul was still in Ephesus when he wrote this letter. He gave it to Titus to deliver and subsequently left for Troas, to preach there.

3. The Painful Letter - Paul writes to them, further incensing them and deepening the breech between them. Many scholars believe part of this letter is preserved in 2 Corinthians 10-13. In 10-13, Paul defends his ministry, proves his ministry is legitimate, and asserts his authority as an apostle of Christ.

4. Second Corinthians: The Letter of Reconciliation - Paul wanted to know how the Corinthians responded to the painful letter. He traveled to Macedonia from Troas to seek out Titus and ask how the letter was received. Titus reported that the majority of the Corinthians had repented of their rebellion against Paul and his apostolic authority. He then wrote 2 Corinthians in Macedonia, out of his concern and love for the Corinthian church. This letter is most likely preserved as 2 Corinthians 1-9.

This week, please read 2 Corinthians 10-13 with this context in mind. What is the tone of these chapters? Do you buy the idea that 10-13 are part of the “painful letter”? Does Paul seem to be chastising the Corinthians? Imagine that Paul is writing these chapters directly and personally to you. How does it make you feel? Convicted? Angry? Unjustly accused?How might God be speaking to YOU through these words of Paul?

I look very forward to your comments.

We will begin our verse-by-verse study of 2 Corinthians next Friday. Thanks for stopping by.

Background information taken from:
http://2corinthians.jesusanswers.com/
http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/goodspeed/ch05.html

Crazy-Grateful

2010-04-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

A story is told about Fiorello LaGuardia, who, when he was mayor of New York City during the worst days of the Great Depression and all of WWII, was called by adoring New Yorkers 'the Little Flower' because he was only five foot four and always wore a carnation in his lapel. He was a colorful character who used to ride the New York City fire trucks, raid speakeasies with the police department, take entire orphanages to baseball games, and whenever the New York newspapers were on strike, he would go on the radio and read the Sunday funnies to the kids. One bitterly cold night in January of 1935, the mayor turned up at a night court that served the poorest ward of the city. LaGuardia dismissed the judge for the evening and took over the bench himself.
Within a few minutes, a tattered old woman was brought before him, charged with stealing a loaf of bread. She told LaGuardia that her daughter's husband had deserted her, her daughter was sick, and her two grandchildren were starving. But the shopkeeper, from whom the bread was stolen, refused to drop the charges. "It's a real bad neighborhood, your Honor." the man told the mayor. "She's got to be punished to teach other people around here a lesson." LaGuardia sighed. He turned to the woman and said "I've got to punish you. The law makes no exceptions--ten dollars or ten days in jail." But even as he pronounced sentence, the mayor was already reaching into his pocket. He extracted a bill and tossed it into his famous sombrero saying: "Here is the ten dollar fine which I now remit; and furthermore I am going to fine everyone in this courtroom fifty cents for living in a town where a person has to steal bread so that her grandchildren can eat. Mr. Baliff, collect the fines and give them to the defendant." So the following day the New York City newspapers reported that $47.50 was turned over to a bewildered old lady who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed her starving grandchildren, fifty cents of that amount being contributed by the red-faced grocery store owner, while some seventy petty criminals, people with traffic violations, and New York City policemen, each of whom had just paid fifty cents for the privilege of doing so, gave the mayor a standing ovation.
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Multnomah, 1990, pp 91-2.

What if you were sentenced to pay a fine that you had absolutely no way of paying? Millions of dollars, perhaps? What if the judge who sentenced you --as he read your sentence -- wrote a check covering the fine? Just handed the check over to the bailiff and said -- Sir, she is free to go. Wouldn't you feel crazy-grateful? What if the sentence handed down were death? And what if the judge still was willing to pay the fine... with the life of his very own son?

Would you still be crazy-grateful?

Well, friends, that has been done for you. A "get out of jail free" card has been presented to the Judge with your name on it. All you have to do is say, "Yes, I agree, Judge, I am imperfect. But, I am willing to accept Your Son's perfection in place of my own." That's it. Just believe that Jesus died FOR YOU and the condemnation that you deserve is written off scot-free. We all fall short of the glory of God and we all deserve death. However, in God's unfathomable mercy, He accepts Jesus' sacrifice in lieu of our own. Jesus did it once and for all. It is finished.

Are you crazy-grateful?

Clean Hands, Filthy Heart

2010-03-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

I went on a little walk with Deuce and Trey this morning (Ace was at school already). I was walking by the front entrance of a swanky motorcoach club that has a huge sign out front with lots of bushes and trees that divide the driveway into two parts (entering and exiting vehicles). I saw a car leaving the club as I approached and I was afraid that the driver might not see me due to the big sign. I was pushing an SUV-sized double stroller, so missing me wasn't likely, but you can never be too careful. I paused behind the sign and when I realized he stopped, I went forward. I waved and said thank you and he waved back with a huge grin on his face. I thought, "What a nice guy!" A simple little smile from him made me smile, too.

It got me thinking about Matthew 15. Some Pharisees, as they often did, were trying to trap Jesus. Right before this exchange, Jesus fed 5000 people and walked on water and cured innumerable people. Then the Pharisees came up and were concerned that disciples weren't washing their hands before they ate! Really?! Miracles were performed left and right and they're concerned with hand-washing?

And, as he often did, Jesus called them on their hypocrisy. The Pharisees asked him why the disciples didn't wash their hands and Jesus quickly turned the tables in verses 3-6:

"And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition?" For God said, 'HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER,' and, 'HE WHO SPEAKS EVIL OF FATHER OR MOTHER IS TO BE PUT TO DEATH.' "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God," he is not to honor his father or his mother .' And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition…”

Jesus was talking to some of the the most respected, most devout men of their day and telling them that by following tradition they were breaking God's law. These were people who went out of their way in ridiculous ways NOT to break the law and Jesus was telling them that their silly out-of-the-way rules were causing them to "invalidate the word of God"! These guys were the religious Supreme Court of their day -- it would be like telling the Pope that having to wear that hat invalidates the Bible.

Skip up to verses 10 and 11:
After Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them, "Hear and understand. "It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man."

So whether you wash your hands, Pharisees, makes no difference. It's that your HEART is far from God (v8) and out of your heart, proceed words that defile your SOUL. What you eat is eliminated from your body as waste, but when your soul is defiled, you are defiled indeed.

So what does all this have to do with a kind guy with a nice smile in a PT Cruiser? It got me thinking about my words, like Matt 15 says, but also facial expressions and tone of voice. If what comes out of my mouth defiles me, then maybe I should watch what I say. In front my spouse, my kids, my friends, unbelievers, in my own head. And what I say is just as important as how I say it: don't my tone and expression originate in my heart too? Do those things defile as surely as words?

If a smile from a stranger could put a spring in my step, couldn't a scowl or a sigh or a snotty tone do the opposite?

Lord, help me to watch my words to those that I love, but also help me to watch the way I express those words. Like Jesus said, Clean hands make no difference if my heart is filthy.Cleanse my heart, so that my thoughts, which lead to my words, are clean and are of you. In Jesus' Holy and Precious Name, Amen.

So it's been over a year...

2010-03-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

since I posted last. Let me explain (OK, make excuses) as to why. Rewind to June 2008... about 3 weeks before She Speaks, I miscarried. At She Speaks, I had a powerful prayer time literally at the foot of a huge cross. I left She Speaks uplifted and inspired and refreshed. Fast Forward two months later... I'm pregnant and tired beyond belief. I only managed to handle the essentials: home and work and church, that's it. Barely anything extra. OK, my book club, but I almost count that as essential. The first three months of pregnancy were plagued with severe all-day sickness and extreme exhaustion, along with a fear that this pregnancy, too, would end badly. Fast Forward 6 months later... #3 made his debut and completed our family trilogy (he's our third boy). I have thought about this blog a great deal over the last year and a half, between middle-of-the-night feedings, organizing my new 5-person family, changing diapers, working full-time, shuttling #1 to and from school (and soccer and football and playdates), keeping up with the issues that arose with #2 when #3 came along, keeping up a household, etc., etc., etc., I just haven't made it back. So, without further ado, I am going to try and blog once a week. Try is the operative word and don't tell me what Yoda would say about "try". I hope to blog about what God is saying to me, teaching me, leading me to do. I hope you'll be along for the ride.

The Dive from Clausen's Pier by Ann Packer

2008-09-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

I loved and hated this book at the same time. Her writing was excellent, which made me hate the main character. I don't think an author can evoke such emotion from a reader without being extremely talented. I wanted to choke the mom in Bastard out of Carolina. I just wanted to shake Carrie, the main character here. She's a twenty-three year old recent college grad, engaged to her boyfriend of 8 years. She has decided her life is stifling her, she doesn't love Mike anymore, and she is sure there is more to life than this upper mid-west existence she's been suffering through since birth. And then Mike, to her great personal inconvenience, Mike dives from Clausen's Pier, breaks his neck, and becomes a quadriplegic. The rest of the novel is the struggle between her selfish, yet very real, (and if I'm honest, understandable) need to run screaming away from Mike and everyone else's expectations of her to stay and nurse him and, of course, marry him. In her private hell and probably because of it, she ends up hurting everyone who loves her. She doesn't lash out, though; it's more like emotional homicide in slow motion. She's indecisive, yet overly analytical, and can't stick with a decision once she makes one.

Packer was able to create an unlikeable main character, whom I found myself cheering for to do something, anything, and I'd stick by her. But, for crying out loud, DECIDE already. Just when I'd settle in with a decision she'd made, she'd up and change her fickle little mind. Packer made me want to like Carrie and I wanted to feel sympathetic toward her. In the end, I just couldn't. Not because she was struggling with leaving her quadriplegic boyfriend after the accident, but because she was whiney and, did I mention, indecisive. Brilliant writing to make me want to root for someone I didn't really like all that much.

I also think there's some meaning to the name Carrie. She's carrying the baggage of the relationship with Mike. She's carrying the memory of her dad. She's carrying the weight of the decision-ish she made regarding her relationship with Mike. We all carry stuff, at some point or another, but this girl doesn't seem to let ANYTHING go.

Stars: 4 out of 5
Rating: NC-17: liberal fornication (with some description), passing reference to gay relationships, a few uses of the F-word, great deal of alcohol consumption

In a Funk

2008-09-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a funk? Not a true depression, just a funk. I'm in a funk and I feel like my skin is on a little too tight. Stuff irritates me. Little stuff that usually doesn't. Ministry has been taking my husband away from me and I'm mad. I'm mad he's gone so much. I'm mad that other people cannot seem to make a decision without him. And I'm mad that I'm getting upset over it. It's a vicious cycle. He's gone to Men's Retreat this weekend. And he needs it, believe me. But Friday when he was getting ready to leave, I could just feel my skin shrinking around me. I was irritated at everything. I held it in because I didn't want him to leave with an unresolved fight and WE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO HASH IT OUT. Story of my life. I don't have time for [insert anything fun here]. We've got to fix this. I sent him - are you ready for this? - an EMAIL to express myself. An email. I didn't even have a chance to actually speak to him. I didn't expect that he'd get it before he got back into work on Tuesday. But no, he checked his email at work before he met with his carpool. He calls me on his cell phone with all his carpoolers in the car. He starts the conversation like this: "I know we can't talk now, but I got your email." Wasn't this just what I was trying to avoid??!! I sort of thought he might get mad - ok, I was pretty sure he would be mad because one of the things I said in the email was that I felt like an afterthought in his life. But he turned the tables and said that he felt the same way. I squeaked out, "The afterthought part, too?" He ignored the question and said, "Take off half a day Monday. We'll get a sitter for Ethan and we're going out for the day. I'll call you when I get up there [to the retreat]." Click.

So here it is, Saturday night, home alone with the boys, just as funky (not in the cute fashionista way either) as I was before he left. Taking off half a day adds to my stress, but it needs to be done.

Girls, I need some prayer.

Who does God use?

2008-09-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book by Elizabeth George called "Women of the Bible". I was reading the chapters on Rahab when I was struck by something. Rahab was not a "good girl". She was a harlot. However, somewhere along the line she had heard about God and feared him, although I don't think anyone would say she knew him. So God used a harlot to accomplish his purposes - the Israelite spies hid and were able to go back to the rest of the Israelite soldiers and tell them their scouting report, which ultimately led to them taking Jericho for God's people. Rahab then married an Israelite and lived out the rest of her days in Jerusalem. And she became Jesus' great (times a lot) grandmother. A former harlot is in our Savior's lineage. Wow!

So here's what struck me - God used her when she was still a harlot. She was not redeemed until after she accomplished what God called her to do. God called her before she was even a believer. She had heard of "this God of the Israelites", but that was it.

I think that it's amazing that God can use anyone. Anyone. Even you. Even me.

Psalm 15

2008-08-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite passages of scripture.

Verse 1: Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill?
In other words, "God, how do I get close to YOU?" And then He answers.

Verse 2: [S]he whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, and speaks the truth from [her] heart.
Read other parts of My love letter to you and see what types of behaviors are right in My eyes. Don't sugar coat things, but remember that "righteous" thing when you speak, too.

Verse 3: and has no slander on [her] tongue and who does [her] neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on [her] fellow[wo]man,
Don't gossip. Treat people fairly.

Verse 4: who despises a vile [wo]man but honors those who fear the LORD, who keeps [her] oath even when it hurts,
Stay away from wicked, shameful women and surround yourself with like-minded women who also love the LORD. Find yourself a Titus woman. And when you say you're going to do something, do it.

Verse 5a: who lends [her] money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
Do not charge ridiculous interest rates if someone needs money. Exodus 23:8 says "Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the righteous." If you get involved in bribes, then your righteousness will be called into question. The reward for righteousness is so precious, that you don't want to mess it up by being attracted by the love of materialism. Deuteronomy 16:19 says almost the same thing, except it says "a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise".

Verse 5b: [S]he who does these things will never be shaken.
Now I think that promise deserves a couple exclamation marks!! Notice it does NOT say "will never have pain" or "will never have trouble". It says that you won't be shaken. You will stand firm. Even if a storm rages, you who are righteous, truthful, trustworthy, edifying, honoring, faithful, and generous, will be held in the grip of God Himself.

Do those adjectives sound impossible? How in the world can I be all those things? Well, I can't. At least not on my own. But the One who holds me and you firm also gives us the strength to be all those things. He wouldn't call us to be something that He wouldn't equip us for.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 13:9.

Are you shaking today? Ask Him for His sufficient grace and His perfect strength. Call on our El Shaddai, the God Almighty, the God All-Sufficient. Turn this psalm into a prayer. Pray with me.

Lord, I want to dwell in your sanctuary. I want to live on your holy hill. Make my walk blameless. Help me to do what is righteous and to speak the truth from my heart. Remove slander and slurs from my tongue and help me to treat my neighbors fairly, especially with my words. Convict me regarding vile influences and show me other women who honor God to surround myself with. Teach me to limit my promises to those You want me to keep and give me the strength to keep those promises even when it hurts. Teach me to be generous to others and to close my ears to the bribes of man because I want to have wise eyes and to have righteous words fall from my lips. Hold me firm, Lord Jesus, that I might not be shaken.
In your precious Name,
Amen.

Cardboard

2008-08-01T00:44:00.001-07:00

Please take 8 minutes, I PROMISE it will be worth it, to watch this video.

Mine says:
Front - striving for perfection in my own power in order to be liked and accepted
Back - still learning that I am loved and accepted by a perfect God despite my imperfections

What is your cardboard testimony?

Puddles and Bubbles

2008-08-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

My boys were getting ready for the bath last night. Elijah, 5, went potty and then Ethan, 2.5 (not potty trained), saunters up to his brother and says "I go potty, too!" He stands in front of the toilet, widens his stance (genetic?), and attempts to aim. Now, the top of the toilet comes up to his belly-button, so he is essentially aiming at the floor. Which is not all that uncommon for the newly-potty-trained boy variety. Nor is it all that uncommon for veteran 30-something potty-ers of the male persuasion. I love Clorox wipes. So Ethan stands there, gives it a little shake, and, assuming this pee thing happens on demand, looks up at me and says, "It's no working. It's broken."

Today we're in the pool and Elijah squats down to push off of the step and passes gas. He says, like his mommy taught him, "Excuse me", followed by (not taught his mommy), "Did you see bubbles coming out of my bum, honey?"

Then we're getting out of the pool and Elijah is absolutely dancing with full bladder syndrome. I don't want him running through the house wet, so I tell him to go potty over in some dirt by our back slider. He hustles over there butt-naked and proceeds to do his business. When he's done, he looks over his shoulder at me and says "Did you see how big my puddle of pee is? I peed all the way to the wall, honey!"

What is it with boys/men and their bodily emissions?

I'm it!!

2008-07-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Friends,I got tagged! I am being tagged by Pamela at http://pinkshoelady.blogspot.com/ She has a great blog with thought-provoking questions. Go see her you will be blessed.

Here are the rules:1) Link to the person who tagged you (see above)
2) Post the rules on your blog (this is what you are now reading)
3) Write 6 random things about yourself (see below)
4) Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog. (quick go look)
6) Let the tagger know when your entry is up (Hi Pamela)

6 Random Things about me...
1. I love Diet Coke (even though I am totally aware of its inherent evils).
2. I completed an Olympic-distance triathlon while pregnant with my first son.
3. I was the athletic trainer for the football and wrestling teams for the 10 years I taught in the classroom.
4. I met my husband on the internet (in the days waaaaay before match.com).
5. My grandfather married us in a bilingual ceremony (I had to say all the vows in Spanish too!)
6. I have 11 sisters-in-law and 11 brothers-in-law.

I am tagging...
1. Amy at http://livingablessedlife.blogspot.com/
2. Lindsey at http://lindseykane.blogspot.com/
3. Amelia at http://ameliahadley.blogspot.com
Lee's already been tagged. Those are all the bloggers I know. Amy, you'll have to help me, since you know more bloggers than I do.

Prayer Request from Renee Swope's blog

2008-07-19T11:45:00.001-07:00

This is a prayer request from a reader of Renee's blog (link to your lower right). Please pray as you feel led and may your heart be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I'd love to have you post your prayers here or on Renee's blog.

I want to seek your prayers for an opportunity I’ve been presented with to go to Israel with Tony Hooper. Tony is a former worship leader at Brownsville in Pensacola, FL. He is currently recording and gearing up to lead worship with Michael W. Smith for the upcoming Promise Keepers tour. He’s toured with many major acts in Christian music over the years and has a an absolutely on fire heart for Jesus.He and 9 others are going to stay at a ministry house on the Sea of Galilee in Tiberius. Each morning and evening will be spent in intercessory prayer and worship for the nation of Israel and for the upcoming U.S. elections. As musicians we will have a chance to spend some time with local musicians and worship leaders teaching and training them in their churches. As a team we will probably be leading worship in some Messianic churches.

The cost of the trip is going to be about $3000 depending on what it costs to get me to Atlanta. I don’t have $3000. I don’t have $30. That’s why I need your prayers. God has to bless this or I can’t go. I spent a great deal of time in prayer over this this morning and in tears I asked the Lord for help in making this happen. I’m extremely humbled by this. I’m not sure why this guy who has a great deal of friends and influence in places I could only imagine would invite me, a guy he hardly knows at all, to go on this trip with him. I can only think that the Lord is leading. Inside of 7 days I have to have a plane ticket paid for to secure my place. The Lord knows I will probably be the least talented in the group but I have a passion for Yeshua.

Thanks, Pastor Bob Headley
Director of Worship & Media Arts
Maranatha Assembly of God

Skylight Confessions

2008-07-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Skylight Confessions, by Alice Hoffman

I almost quit reading this book about a third of the way through. It's quirky, the main character is kind of flakey, and it's a fantasy-wrapped-up-in-reality type novel. I am not a fan of fantasy generally. However, as the book went on, the sadness, yet hopefulness, of the story itself grabbed me. Arlyn was such a dreamer and so into fate (or something) guiding her that I was having a hard time getting into it. But Meredith, although she believes in ghosts, was more grounded and she saved the novel for me. I don't personally believe in ghosts, but I did like the symbolism that Hoffman used to announce the presence of a ghost (broken dishes and soot). What had been burned was anybody's guess, but it seemed to me it was Arlyn's dreams, since she had her head in the clouds all the time, but didn't live long enough to see any of them come to fruition. I really disliked John - he was totally checked out of his family's lives and I just can't respect that.
They lived in a glass house (literally) and at first I thought that was totally hokey. But, I came to really appreciate what Hoffman was trying to say - a house can be made of glass, but the people living there, although obvious to neighbors, etc, can have no idea who each other is.
Hoffman has an unusual, but excellent, grasp of language and of sentence structure. Her writing style is unique, as is her voice. Subtle changes in both occurred as she focused on one character more than another, almost as if the narrator changed with a deeper look into one particular person or another.
If you read this, pay particular attention to Arlyn's hair color and her (then Blanca's) pearls. My heart broke for Arlyn's lost love - missed by hair, but then by her choice. That's another theme running through the novel - getting lost. It led to Arlyn and John finding each other, but their love was lost. Sam was lost from his mother's death forward. Blanca was lost her whole life, trying to fit in somewhere and never really knowing where that was. John - lost in his work and in himself and in so being lost, he lost his (first) family. Blanca may have found herself in Will, but the ending left us on a hopeful note, unsure of how the meeting of Blanca and Will might have gone. I usually like loose ends tied up in novels, but I actually liked how that meeting was left open. It provided hope that was (dare I say) lost throughout the rest of the novel.
Check out her website. www.alicehoffman.com. I haven't read anything else of hers, so I can't speak to them. Look at the "other writings" tab. I liked her essays and although I HATED Wuthering Heights when I read it in high school, she's almost convinced me to give it another go. I might actually fall in love with Heathcliff. The only other Heathcliff I've ever run across was Dr. Huxtable and I really liked him.
STARS: 3.5 out of 5
RATING: PG (affair alluded to, a few uses of the F-word [appropriate, in my opinion; that's how a ticked off teen would talk], drug use)

Pride and Insecurity and Enough already!

2008-07-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

They sound like this is an oxymoron, not so much. They are different, but just by degrees. I don't think I have pride in any one trait or talent, just pride in "myselfness", that I am able on my own. It's hard to say "I'm sorry" and "You're right" and really mean it. I've tried to hide from God (note to reader: it doesn't work - don't bother). I've tried to hide my bad traits and habits from others (note to reader - it works for a while, but it's exhausting; I don't recommend it). I have issues with perfection - perfect kids, perfect house, perfect marriage, perfect faith, perfect class, perfect faith, etc... My insecurity sounds like, "If I'm not perfect you won't like me. Oh, you won't like me anyway."
However, I find that the more transparent I become to myself, the more I can admit my depravity to God. Not that He doesn't know, but He can do something with it when I admit it. Otherwise, it gets locked in a closet somewhere, covered with dust, and He can't do anything with something I won't let go of. He can only work in me when I MOVE ME ASIDE! Which I can't do on my own anyway - He has to do it for me. For the first time in my life, transparency doesn't scare me. Not that I want to live in a glass house (seriously, it would scare off the neighbors), but in glass flesh so that who GOD is, is visible in me. I respect and value transparency in others. Finding it in myself, sensing my own depravity and grasping the fact that only God can give me anything worth being prideful about, is powerful. As Paul says, "If I must boast, I only boast in the things that show my weakness" (2 Cor 11:30) because that's where God is seen. Being transparent about my mistakes, sin, depravity makes Him visible. I can't do anything worthwhile without Him. No legacy, no nothing, unless He is in control. Looking in the mirror and seeing my own ickiness makes it possible for Him to be glorified.
Are transparency and authenticity the same thing? Maybe I'm just afraid that my real self isn't what my trumped-up, opaque self claims to be. But my real self is the one God made and is the one He is molding. My opaque self is my own shellacked and white-washed creation and I am no artist compared to God. Isn't His museum-caliber masterpiece so much more than this thrown-together pale imitation?
Hard to live out, though, huh? I'm protected behind my whitewash. I look good to passersby and even to myself if I don't dig too deeply. I'm vulnerable and more than a little nervous with my bare soul hanging out.
I'm afraid of not measuring up (to whom?)
I'm afraid of not being in the cool group. Still.
I'm afraid I will scare people away.
I'm afraid of not being enough (who decides when it's "enough"?).

But God lets us come to Him empty-handed. There is no "enough". And it's a good thing, too, because we'd wear ourselves out trying to reach that ephemeral "enough". And the accounting would be a nightmare.

So why aren't I, empty-handed, enough?
The crazy thing is, I am. Not in a prideful way, although pride sure rears up his ugly head in the most dichotomous way. I'm enough and I'm not proud.
I need to let God balance that teeter-totter for me and not make myself dizzy and sick running back and forth between "pride" and "insecurity".

He is enough. Period.

Prayer Request

2008-07-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

So as it says over to your right, I have been praying about starting a Gather and Grow group at my church. I am also reading the book, mentioned to your right as well, by Melanie Chitwood. God has been gently and then (as I say, Are you sure?) not-so-gently nudging my heart to start a study for women based on this book instead. I also feel God pushing me (almost literally) to contact Melanie about that. So, would you pray about that with me? Thanks.

No Sense of Direction

2008-07-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have no sense of direction. I mean, NONE. I barely know which way is up; don't ask me where North is - I seriously have no idea. Even when the sun is setting, I can't find West. Seriously. My dad, on the other hand, could be dropped blindfolded into the middle of Omaha and find his way home. I, genes not withstanding, always park in the same spot at the grocery store so I don't lose my car.
I lived in the same house from the time I was nine months old until I left for college and I went to the same campus 7th-12th grades and I taught at that same high school for 5 years. I knew my way around the campus. I could tell you where any classroom was, the football field, the gym, the office, whatever. My directions to you would include words like "left", "right", "just past the...". Never "North" or "East". So one day in the middle of teaching the finer points of Biology to disinterested 16-year-olds, they were relieved to hear we were having a fire drill. Relieved is probably an understatement - perhaps estatic would better sum up their emotions. This was a drill as in practice, not as in fire alarm going off. This drill consisted of an automaton, oblivious to the entertainment needs of high school students, bullet-listing the places EACH teacher's class needed to report to once THEY WERE RELEASED, NOT RIGHT NOW. My class was to report to the goalpost at the North end of the football field. As was earlier mentioned, I could conduct a mistake-free tour of my campus. However, you can imagine my direction-impaired brain glitching at the mention of "North". Ah, I have an ace in the hole. Un-glitch. The interstate runs parallel to the football field. I know, because my father who has had to give me directions countless times (with a panicked phone call like "Dad, I'm at the corner of umm... Elm and umm... I think that says Patterson. I think I might be in Hemet. How do I get home?") told me that even interstates run East and West and odd interstates run North and South. This particular interstate is 8. Oh crap, that's an even interstate (let me check my math... yeah, evenly divisible by 2, dang, it's even) and that means there can't be a goalpost at the North end. Glitch. I am not a math teacher, but I do know parallel and across the cow pasture that surrounds our football field on three sides (yes, that makes us a peninsula in the middle of cow patties) is the interstate I have driven 3 million times. I know my house growing up is in East County and that I turned right to get on the freeway, so right must be East. Therefore, left, even I can figure out, is West. So how can my parallel-to-the-interstate football field have a goalpost at the North end?? Double-glitch.
All of this is running through my brain at a fevered pitch as I am trying to keep 10th graders from stampeding over me like so many elephants. They apparently know North, or at least Exit. I have to wonder, would I care where the North goalpost was if the building were really on fire? Wouldn't we all just trample over the top of each other without me first taking out my handy compass, everyone pausing politely for the teacher (as always) to determine which end of the football field was (I think haphazardly labeled) North, and following in a silent single file line to the chalked-off North end zone? But, I digress. This was just a drill - no actual flames were sighted during this broadcast. So, I did what I do in the case of my father not being home - follow someone who looks like they know where they're going. In this instance, the teacher across the hall. He has no classroom control, but he can tell North from his elbow, because he is not stopping to consult a map on his way out the door. I always thought classroom control trumped actual knowledge, but in this case, not so much. His sloths are meandering behind him in a quadruple-file wave. My little darlings know from single file, and are fortunately following me following him, who I hope does not turn to me to ask for directions to the football field. We make it to the field and back again (apparently my classroom is West of the football field - who knew?)

So I call my dad when I get home that night, confused and a little miffed, as I generally am when people in charge mess things up, wondering why the automaton referred to the North goalpost, when the (even, hence East-West) interstate runs parallel, for crying out loud, to the football field on the campus that I have been to every day for ELEVEN years (not in a row, but eleven years, nonetheless).
And my dad, in his patient, stifling-laughter, she's-lost-again voice, says after a long pause, "Didn't you ever notice the freeway turns about a half mile before the school and runs North-South for about 2 miles to get around the MOUNTAIN there?"
No, dad, sorry to say, I, in the billion times I have ridden in your car and driven in my own car on that stretch of freeway, have never noticed the 90 degree turn and the subsequent 2 miles of North-South driving, nor the next 90 degree turn to return my vehicle to the originally intended East-West route. The only thing I got from you, genetically, is my eye color and obviously no ability whatsoever to tell which direction those eyes are facing.

When the Ground Turns in its Sleep

2008-07-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

When the Ground Turns in its Sleep, by Sylvia Sellers-Garcia
REVIEW: This is a first novel by this author and I loved it. It has excellent writing and a unique story. A young American man's immigrant father dies and the young man is compelled to visit his father's homeland of Guatamala to learn about his parents' past. Nitido is mistaken by the people of his father's village as the new priest and he stays on in this role, thinking that he might get more information out of the people this way. He is not Catholic and is for sure not trained as a priest, but he does it anyway. I loved how the author wove an earlier episode with plagiarism when Nitido was in college with his life of plagiarism in the little village. It was a theme that I've never read before, born out in a whole novel. I also really liked how the title was explained - how time colors your view of events and how your perspective changes as you get older and hopefully wiser. The ground appears to be a certain color in the morning, a different color at midday, and then a darker, richer color as night falls and "the ground turns in its sleep". A great analogy, I thought, for the novel as a whole, and for Nitido specifically as he learns about his parents' past and matures himself as the story progresses. There was also an interesting undertone of spiritual warfare in the little Guatemalan village that Nitido visited that was alluded to, but I would like to have seen it more fully developed. I also was a bit disappointed in how Nitido dealt with another death of a person close to him, since his father's death sent him on a journey, both geographically and emotionally. The second death seemed like a footnote and his character seemed like a person who would have responded in some way to it.
I am looking forward to more of Sellers-Garcia's work.
STARS: 4.5 out of 5
RATING: PG (no inappropriate language or relationships)
FAVORITE QUOTES: "It came as a complete surprise: the idea that silences in Rio Roto could arise not only from secrecy but also from doubt."
"The stones [of your past] cannot be left behind; they fill your pockets, their added weight affecting slightly the manner of each new step." [Sadly and clearly, not a Christian.]
"It's because she altered my thinking that I can't see where her ideas end and mine begin. I don't know how it's possible to distinguish one from the other. I don't know what purpose it would even serve, when so many of the things we think about came from somewhere else. From this perspective, it's impossible to avoid being a compilation of stolen words and ideas."
[See the plagiarism theme?!!?]

Prodigal Summer

2008-07-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingsolver
REVIEW: This book is similar enough to The Loop that I had a hard time liking it. Since I pretty much hold every book I read up to the measuring stick that is Nicholas Evans, this one had to fall short. As a biology teacher and lover of science in general, I really appreciated the discussion of insects, in particular moths, and other fauna and flora in the Appalachian Mountains where this story took place. The love story was not nearly as compelling as the love story in The Loop, although similar in that an older woman was having a love affair with a much younger man. The rift between farmers and wildlife lovers was not as deep as in The Loop and therefore the conflict resolution was not surprising or all that interesting. I love Kingsolver's writing, but just not as much as Evans's. The story wasn't as well-woven and I felt that there was one really potentially interesting loose end that wasn't tied up and I think could have been in a clever twist. There were 3 main characters whose relationships with each other were unclear at the beginning and of course the point of the novel was to weave their histories together until you saw how they were all inter-related. That was done well with two of the characters, but not with the third. He turned out to be sort of a supporting cast member and another character began to overshadow him a little bit. That didn't seem to be all that well-thought out. I did like that cantankerous, cataract-inflicted old guy, though. I also didn't think Nannie was explained from two of the main characters' point of view very well. She was obviously loved deeply by Deanna and barely tolerated by Garnett, but I walked away not liking her very much, more influenced by Garnett's feelings toward her. I wasn't pulled by Deanna's thoughts and feelings as much, although her character was a loner, so perhaps that was intentional. I did enjoy the description of spring coming to the mountain/valley area where they all lived and the undertone of sexual/reproductive drive among the animals, plants, and ultimately Deanna and Eddie. I thought that was very well-written in the first few chapters. There was also this strange conflict between Garnett and Nannie regarding creation and evolution and I thought that was left in a muddle and perhaps the author isn't real clear herself. There is an undercurrent of Christianity, like maybe the author is at least familiar with Christianity, but it's just a barely recognizable undercurrent; it's certainly not a main tenet of any of the characters.
STARS: 3.5 out of 5
RATING: PG
FAVORITE QUOTE: "She hadn't given up her love for luna after that, but she'd never forgotten, either, how a mystery caught in the hand could lose its grace."

Kari

2008-07-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

An important and painful milestone just passed in my life: the first anniversary of my friend Kari's and her daughter Keira's deaths. I could list all of Kari's wonderful accomplishments and traits. It would take a really long time and a long list of awards and adjectives somehow seems to diminish the person she truly was. Suffice it to say, she personified the best in "teacher", "friend", and "Christian". These labels can mean many things, but on her, they were exemplary. I was honored to work along side her as a professional and to live beside her, however truncated, as her friend. Her memorial service was painfully beautiful and while I sobbed through the whole thing, was one of the most worshipful events I have ever experienced. My heart still breaks for Matt as he deals with the loss of both his wife and daughter, pain I can't even begin to imagine, and, if I am honest, don't even want to contemplate. I can say her name and I can see her name in my phone (still!) without tearing up, but the tears are just behind a thin veil; not visible at first pass, but not all that hard to conjure up either. I'm not ignoring the promise that was the life of a nearly-two-year-old. My chest contracts at the thought - my own baby boy is only 4 months younger than Keira and that whole thing is way too close to home to delve into. I am grateful that neither she nor Kari appeared to suffer and I am comforted by the fact that I will see them both again one day. I still miss you, dear friend. Until we meet again...

These are the lyrics to a hauntingly beautiful song by Kenny Chesney.
Who You'd Be Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face.
I hear you laughing in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowing no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today.
Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family?
I wonder what would you name your babies.
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you.
I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you.
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place.
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today.
Today, today, today
Today, today, today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday.

Someday, someday

Just a thought...

2008-06-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

My friend used to work at a place where she was required to change her computer log-in password on the first working day of every month. She prayed and then chose the name of someone that God had laid on her heart. She was then reminded to pray for him/her each time she logged in. I thought that was cool and wanted to pass on the suggestion for your own passwords and people to pray for.

She Speaks

2008-06-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sure there will be more to come as I continue to process and digest all that happened this weekend. Here are the answers to questions for my church's newsletter.

1. Was there a theme or specific topic for the conference (in addition to teaching the fundamentals of public speaking)?
No, but the personal theme I walked away with was "move me aside". Those three little words profoundly affected me and they are my prayer for this season. And I also find it ironic that I went to learn how to be a better public speaker and I walked away speechless. It's another example of how the glory of God is so overwhelming that it is impossible to open my mouth, much less argue with or question God. It's more like nodding dumbly and running off to do whatever he's asked me to do, asking him to equip me for it the whole time. It is truly all about him and I'm just clay. Yet, I'm chosen. It's humbling and glorious all at the same time. And hard to describe, obviously.

2. What was one of the most poignant and/or profound things you experienced with God during the conference?
I didn't realize it before I left, but I was still grieving deeply from our miscarriage. I would have told you before the conference that I was fine and that God healed me emotionally. However, God totally met me where I was. There was an event following a talk about doubt where we were asked to pray and ask God to reveal our innermost doubts to us. We were to write them down and then place them in a basket at the foot of the cross in the front of the room. I did that, but for some reason, as I knelt to pray, all I could think about was the miscarriage and how much I was still hurting about that. A woman on staff came up to pray with me and I told her that I had recently miscarried. She just put her arms around me and I sobbed from the depths of my soul. She then prayed and while I don't remember her specific words, she prayed for a long time and asked for healing and for God to touch my heart and to bring me restoration. She also asked God to surprise me with his hope. It was very powerful. There is a little more to the story, but this is getting long. The crux of the matter is that God met me there and that God moved through her prayers to bring me to a more whole place.

3. How will the tools you were equipped with help you in your walk with Christ? Your work at the church?
I was reminded again of the need for and the power of prayer. I was also reminded of the personal nature of God - how he is able to reach us as individuals and speak to us individually; even though we all heard the same person speaking, we all walked away with a different message from God. In terms of my work at the church, I feel humbled that God chose me to go to this conference and that he may have a ministry opportunity in store for me. I am a jar of clay and yet he chose me. That sends me to my knees and on my face in thanks and I am so excited to have him "move me aside and move in this place". Those are lyrics from a song that deeply touched me - they aren't my original words, but they are my heartfelt prayer.

4. What are three or four things you walked away from the conference with that you didn't know before?
How VITAL it is to cover every preparation and every speaking engagement with prayer, how to weave a story into a message, how to better research and prepare for a message, and how vital it is to have prayer warriors behind your preparation time and the actual speaking engagement, including what specific message to bring, as well as being sensitive to the Holy Spirit during the talk. And practice, practice, practice.

Bastard Out of Carolina

2008-06-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

Bastard out of Carolina, by Dorothy Alison
REVIEW: To paraphrase my friend AH, rarely have I wanted to come through the pages of a novel and absolutely throttle one of the characters. But, oh my, how I wanted to hurt the mom in this story. This is the story of a preteen girl in about 1950s North Carolina, named Bone (real name, Ruth Anne). She was born out of wedlock, as the title implies, and she was from a desperately poor family. She had several aunts and uncles nearby, as well as her grandparents. The women were all overworked and chronically tired and the men were hard-drinkers and prone to violence. Bone had a younger sister with whom she had a similar relationship that she had with her countless cousins. The mother eventually remarries and Bone becomes the victim of his abuse, both physical and verbal. This book feels like a tree that has been planted in too-small a container. The roots get all twisted and turn back on themselves. That's how I felt about the plot. It was thick and twisted and very disturbing. I don't know for sure if the author was also a victim of abuse (websites imply as much), but she writes about it a painfully clear and truthful-sounding way.
RATING: R (the end is particularly disturbing)
STARS: 4.5 out of 5

SPOILER ALERT: Discussion follows with detail about the plot. Skip it if you think you might read this powerful story. This is a copy of an email I sent a friend after I read this book.

I finished reading this earlier. I loved the desperate, raw writing, while hating Glen and sometimes Anney. Its violence and deep love among the extended family members were juxtaposed, but almost mirror images in some ways. It's very complex and knotted and not easy to narrow it down to one feeling. I so wanted Bone to whack Glen with that big hook. I wondered why it never made another appearance after she "redeemed" herself at Woolworth. And then after all she'd been through to have her mama choose Glen over her and leave her with her aunt... I'm not sure anyone knew she had been raped, but certainly the beating (any one of them!) should have been enough for her mama to leave that guy in a heartbeat. And where the hell was Aunt Alma while Glen was beating the hell out of Bone? I loved her crazy aunts and uncles, as hard-scrabble as they all were and as relatively useless as the men were. I looked the author up online and one website said it was semi-autobiographical and another said that it was autobiographical (although obviously the names are changed, so I'm thinking semi is a better description). She was born in S Carolina and she is a lesbian. She was a National Merit Scholar and went to undergrad on a full ride and also has a master's in social work. It doesn't surprise me that it has at least some basis in truth, based on how raw and well-described Bone's emotions are. I also thought it was interesting that Shannon was described as an albino and her last name was Pearl. I guess you could dig into the meaning of that name too - irritating, but eventually became something beautiful (once totally covered up - in death?). Also interesting is how much Reese is left out of things - particularly Glen's abuse of Bone. Although, there is a slight implication that there might be more than meets the eye since at 8 she is masturbating too and acting like she's a superhero and being chased by monsters or whatever. Overall, I guess the desperation stands out. Anney desperate to provide for her girls and desperate to be loved. Well, all of their desperation to be loved, really. And Raylene says to Bone at the end about she has a crazy view of what love is. Well, duh, what with Glen telling her he loved her as he's beating her and then as he's raping her. They all wanted love, but didn't really know how to give it and didn't really know how to receive it. All in all, I liked it a lot, but I felt there were some missing pieces. Maybe that was intentional, though, since it's such a tightly written novel, full of so much complexity of the characters. I thought the writing was like roots of a plant grown in too-small a pot, where they get all tangled and wrapped around each other. Ok, that sounds kinda cheesy, but that's how I felt reading it, like they were all choking.

Three-year-old boys, Tree Frogs, and Pee Pee

2008-06-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote this in April of '07. This 3-year-old is now 5.

You know a fun thing about 3-year-olds? Sometimes they really really really want to wear big boy underwear. And then say they don’t have to go to the bathroom before you leave for the library. And then when you are on the sidewalk outside of the library, they stop walking and PEE right there on the sidewalk. Through their big boy underwear and their shorts and make a big puddle on the ground. And then proceed to walk through it. And then wonder why said boy and mother and little brother cannot go into the library and pick out books on tree frogs!

Imagine the ensuing fit on the way back to the car:

Dripping wet pee pee boy: But, honey [said boy calls his mother honey; another subject for another day] I want books about tree frogs.

Frustrated mother: Honey, we have to go home and get you changed.

DWPPB: I want books about tree frogs.

More frustrated mother: You are soaking wet and need dry clothes.

DWPPB: [crying, now] I don’t need dry clothes. Don’t hold my hand. I want books about tree frogs.

Three-year-olds are nothing if not determined and persistent. They often have no idea about anything happening around them, including soaking wet pee pee clothes and pee pee footprints being left behind them, if they are on the trail of something much more exciting, like tree frogs and the various books that have been written about them. They also do not understand why Diego sandals must be washed after traipsing through pee pee puddles. Or why little boys have to be washed after having soaking wet pee pee clothes stuck to them all the way home from the library we never actually entered. Febreze, while miraculous, only works on the car seat cover so that it does not have to be dismantled by the nearest mechanical engineer in order to be washed for the second time in a week (oh, this same 3-year-old had a poopy blow-out in the car seat just 3 days ago). They have not yet invented “Little Boy Antibacterial Febreze”. Believe me, when they do, I will be the first in line.

Pacifiers and Oxygen

2008-06-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

My two-and-a-half year-old loves his pacifer. I mean LOVES his pacifier. If a scientist did some sort of analysis of his pacifiers, I would not be surprised to learn that his are made out of pure oxygen. Necessary for life. He falls asleep with one in his mouth and one in each hand. And if I put him down and forget the ones he holds: "More paci, please." Recently, he got very interested in playing with a truck and set his paci down on the table. Since my hubby and I are weakly trying to break Ethan of this pacifier habit, I thought I could get over there all stealth and steal that pacifier away. I actually managed to get the pacifier and put it in his room. He didn't even notice he didn't have his pacifier until about a half an hour later (this is AMAZING, by the way). He came up to me and said, "More paci more paci more paci" - just like that - no punctuation.

Do we ever do that with God? Get more interested in something else and set Him down somewhere? Forget that He's our source of oxygen? I know I do. I'll read or work out or talk on the phone or work or wash dishes or any number of distracting things. Not anything wrong with any of those activities, except that I've left Him out. Skipped my quiet time. Forgotten to pray before I start my day. And then at some point, I realize I've set Him down somewhere. And I run to my Bible or hit my knees and say "More, God. More, God. More, God." And, thankfully, He's only as far away as the words on my lips.

The Gypsy Storyteller

2008-06-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

The Gypsy Storyteller by Thomas William Simpson.
REVIEW: This is one of the best books I have ever read. Simpson drew me in right away and held on to me until the last page. He created and developed characters that I had certain feelings about at the beginning of the novel and those feelings completely changed by the end of the novel. Without me even realizing it. It is a finely woven tale of love, betrayal, and love in spite of betrayal.
RATED: R
STARS: 5+ out of 5