choosing grace: for ourselves (& others)
8 years ago
Friday, June 27, 2008
Just a thought...
My friend used to work at a place where she was required to change her computer log-in password on the first working day of every month. She prayed and then chose the name of someone that God had laid on her heart. She was then reminded to pray for him/her each time she logged in. I thought that was cool and wanted to pass on the suggestion for your own passwords and people to pray for.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
She Speaks
I'm sure there will be more to come as I continue to process and digest all that happened this weekend. Here are the answers to questions for my church's newsletter.
1. Was there a theme or specific topic for the conference (in addition to teaching the fundamentals of public speaking)?
No, but the personal theme I walked away with was "move me aside". Those three little words profoundly affected me and they are my prayer for this season. And I also find it ironic that I went to learn how to be a better public speaker and I walked away speechless. It's another example of how the glory of God is so overwhelming that it is impossible to open my mouth, much less argue with or question God. It's more like nodding dumbly and running off to do whatever he's asked me to do, asking him to equip me for it the whole time. It is truly all about him and I'm just clay. Yet, I'm chosen. It's humbling and glorious all at the same time. And hard to describe, obviously.
2. What was one of the most poignant and/or profound things you experienced with God during the conference?
I didn't realize it before I left, but I was still grieving deeply from our miscarriage. I would have told you before the conference that I was fine and that God healed me emotionally. However, God totally met me where I was. There was an event following a talk about doubt where we were asked to pray and ask God to reveal our innermost doubts to us. We were to write them down and then place them in a basket at the foot of the cross in the front of the room. I did that, but for some reason, as I knelt to pray, all I could think about was the miscarriage and how much I was still hurting about that. A woman on staff came up to pray with me and I told her that I had recently miscarried. She just put her arms around me and I sobbed from the depths of my soul. She then prayed and while I don't remember her specific words, she prayed for a long time and asked for healing and for God to touch my heart and to bring me restoration. She also asked God to surprise me with his hope. It was very powerful. There is a little more to the story, but this is getting long. The crux of the matter is that God met me there and that God moved through her prayers to bring me to a more whole place.
3. How will the tools you were equipped with help you in your walk with Christ? Your work at the church?
I was reminded again of the need for and the power of prayer. I was also reminded of the personal nature of God - how he is able to reach us as individuals and speak to us individually; even though we all heard the same person speaking, we all walked away with a different message from God. In terms of my work at the church, I feel humbled that God chose me to go to this conference and that he may have a ministry opportunity in store for me. I am a jar of clay and yet he chose me. That sends me to my knees and on my face in thanks and I am so excited to have him "move me aside and move in this place". Those are lyrics from a song that deeply touched me - they aren't my original words, but they are my heartfelt prayer.
4. What are three or four things you walked away from the conference with that you didn't know before?
How VITAL it is to cover every preparation and every speaking engagement with prayer, how to weave a story into a message, how to better research and prepare for a message, and how vital it is to have prayer warriors behind your preparation time and the actual speaking engagement, including what specific message to bring, as well as being sensitive to the Holy Spirit during the talk. And practice, practice, practice.
1. Was there a theme or specific topic for the conference (in addition to teaching the fundamentals of public speaking)?
No, but the personal theme I walked away with was "move me aside". Those three little words profoundly affected me and they are my prayer for this season. And I also find it ironic that I went to learn how to be a better public speaker and I walked away speechless. It's another example of how the glory of God is so overwhelming that it is impossible to open my mouth, much less argue with or question God. It's more like nodding dumbly and running off to do whatever he's asked me to do, asking him to equip me for it the whole time. It is truly all about him and I'm just clay. Yet, I'm chosen. It's humbling and glorious all at the same time. And hard to describe, obviously.
2. What was one of the most poignant and/or profound things you experienced with God during the conference?
I didn't realize it before I left, but I was still grieving deeply from our miscarriage. I would have told you before the conference that I was fine and that God healed me emotionally. However, God totally met me where I was. There was an event following a talk about doubt where we were asked to pray and ask God to reveal our innermost doubts to us. We were to write them down and then place them in a basket at the foot of the cross in the front of the room. I did that, but for some reason, as I knelt to pray, all I could think about was the miscarriage and how much I was still hurting about that. A woman on staff came up to pray with me and I told her that I had recently miscarried. She just put her arms around me and I sobbed from the depths of my soul. She then prayed and while I don't remember her specific words, she prayed for a long time and asked for healing and for God to touch my heart and to bring me restoration. She also asked God to surprise me with his hope. It was very powerful. There is a little more to the story, but this is getting long. The crux of the matter is that God met me there and that God moved through her prayers to bring me to a more whole place.
3. How will the tools you were equipped with help you in your walk with Christ? Your work at the church?
I was reminded again of the need for and the power of prayer. I was also reminded of the personal nature of God - how he is able to reach us as individuals and speak to us individually; even though we all heard the same person speaking, we all walked away with a different message from God. In terms of my work at the church, I feel humbled that God chose me to go to this conference and that he may have a ministry opportunity in store for me. I am a jar of clay and yet he chose me. That sends me to my knees and on my face in thanks and I am so excited to have him "move me aside and move in this place". Those are lyrics from a song that deeply touched me - they aren't my original words, but they are my heartfelt prayer.
4. What are three or four things you walked away from the conference with that you didn't know before?
How VITAL it is to cover every preparation and every speaking engagement with prayer, how to weave a story into a message, how to better research and prepare for a message, and how vital it is to have prayer warriors behind your preparation time and the actual speaking engagement, including what specific message to bring, as well as being sensitive to the Holy Spirit during the talk. And practice, practice, practice.
Bastard Out of Carolina
Bastard out of Carolina, by Dorothy Alison
REVIEW: To paraphrase my friend AH, rarely have I wanted to come through the pages of a novel and absolutely throttle one of the characters. But, oh my, how I wanted to hurt the mom in this story. This is the story of a preteen girl in about 1950s North Carolina, named Bone (real name, Ruth Anne). She was born out of wedlock, as the title implies, and she was from a desperately poor family. She had several aunts and uncles nearby, as well as her grandparents. The women were all overworked and chronically tired and the men were hard-drinkers and prone to violence. Bone had a younger sister with whom she had a similar relationship that she had with her countless cousins. The mother eventually remarries and Bone becomes the victim of his abuse, both physical and verbal. This book feels like a tree that has been planted in too-small a container. The roots get all twisted and turn back on themselves. That's how I felt about the plot. It was thick and twisted and very disturbing. I don't know for sure if the author was also a victim of abuse (websites imply as much), but she writes about it a painfully clear and truthful-sounding way.
RATING: R (the end is particularly disturbing)
STARS: 4.5 out of 5
SPOILER ALERT: Discussion follows with detail about the plot. Skip it if you think you might read this powerful story. This is a copy of an email I sent a friend after I read this book.
I finished reading this earlier. I loved the desperate, raw writing, while hating Glen and sometimes Anney. Its violence and deep love among the extended family members were juxtaposed, but almost mirror images in some ways. It's very complex and knotted and not easy to narrow it down to one feeling. I so wanted Bone to whack Glen with that big hook. I wondered why it never made another appearance after she "redeemed" herself at Woolworth. And then after all she'd been through to have her mama choose Glen over her and leave her with her aunt... I'm not sure anyone knew she had been raped, but certainly the beating (any one of them!) should have been enough for her mama to leave that guy in a heartbeat. And where the hell was Aunt Alma while Glen was beating the hell out of Bone? I loved her crazy aunts and uncles, as hard-scrabble as they all were and as relatively useless as the men were. I looked the author up online and one website said it was semi-autobiographical and another said that it was autobiographical (although obviously the names are changed, so I'm thinking semi is a better description). She was born in S Carolina and she is a lesbian. She was a National Merit Scholar and went to undergrad on a full ride and also has a master's in social work. It doesn't surprise me that it has at least some basis in truth, based on how raw and well-described Bone's emotions are. I also thought it was interesting that Shannon was described as an albino and her last name was Pearl. I guess you could dig into the meaning of that name too - irritating, but eventually became something beautiful (once totally covered up - in death?). Also interesting is how much Reese is left out of things - particularly Glen's abuse of Bone. Although, there is a slight implication that there might be more than meets the eye since at 8 she is masturbating too and acting like she's a superhero and being chased by monsters or whatever. Overall, I guess the desperation stands out. Anney desperate to provide for her girls and desperate to be loved. Well, all of their desperation to be loved, really. And Raylene says to Bone at the end about she has a crazy view of what love is. Well, duh, what with Glen telling her he loved her as he's beating her and then as he's raping her. They all wanted love, but didn't really know how to give it and didn't really know how to receive it. All in all, I liked it a lot, but I felt there were some missing pieces. Maybe that was intentional, though, since it's such a tightly written novel, full of so much complexity of the characters. I thought the writing was like roots of a plant grown in too-small a pot, where they get all tangled and wrapped around each other. Ok, that sounds kinda cheesy, but that's how I felt reading it, like they were all choking.
REVIEW: To paraphrase my friend AH, rarely have I wanted to come through the pages of a novel and absolutely throttle one of the characters. But, oh my, how I wanted to hurt the mom in this story. This is the story of a preteen girl in about 1950s North Carolina, named Bone (real name, Ruth Anne). She was born out of wedlock, as the title implies, and she was from a desperately poor family. She had several aunts and uncles nearby, as well as her grandparents. The women were all overworked and chronically tired and the men were hard-drinkers and prone to violence. Bone had a younger sister with whom she had a similar relationship that she had with her countless cousins. The mother eventually remarries and Bone becomes the victim of his abuse, both physical and verbal. This book feels like a tree that has been planted in too-small a container. The roots get all twisted and turn back on themselves. That's how I felt about the plot. It was thick and twisted and very disturbing. I don't know for sure if the author was also a victim of abuse (websites imply as much), but she writes about it a painfully clear and truthful-sounding way.
RATING: R (the end is particularly disturbing)
STARS: 4.5 out of 5
SPOILER ALERT: Discussion follows with detail about the plot. Skip it if you think you might read this powerful story. This is a copy of an email I sent a friend after I read this book.
I finished reading this earlier. I loved the desperate, raw writing, while hating Glen and sometimes Anney. Its violence and deep love among the extended family members were juxtaposed, but almost mirror images in some ways. It's very complex and knotted and not easy to narrow it down to one feeling. I so wanted Bone to whack Glen with that big hook. I wondered why it never made another appearance after she "redeemed" herself at Woolworth. And then after all she'd been through to have her mama choose Glen over her and leave her with her aunt... I'm not sure anyone knew she had been raped, but certainly the beating (any one of them!) should have been enough for her mama to leave that guy in a heartbeat. And where the hell was Aunt Alma while Glen was beating the hell out of Bone? I loved her crazy aunts and uncles, as hard-scrabble as they all were and as relatively useless as the men were. I looked the author up online and one website said it was semi-autobiographical and another said that it was autobiographical (although obviously the names are changed, so I'm thinking semi is a better description). She was born in S Carolina and she is a lesbian. She was a National Merit Scholar and went to undergrad on a full ride and also has a master's in social work. It doesn't surprise me that it has at least some basis in truth, based on how raw and well-described Bone's emotions are. I also thought it was interesting that Shannon was described as an albino and her last name was Pearl. I guess you could dig into the meaning of that name too - irritating, but eventually became something beautiful (once totally covered up - in death?). Also interesting is how much Reese is left out of things - particularly Glen's abuse of Bone. Although, there is a slight implication that there might be more than meets the eye since at 8 she is masturbating too and acting like she's a superhero and being chased by monsters or whatever. Overall, I guess the desperation stands out. Anney desperate to provide for her girls and desperate to be loved. Well, all of their desperation to be loved, really. And Raylene says to Bone at the end about she has a crazy view of what love is. Well, duh, what with Glen telling her he loved her as he's beating her and then as he's raping her. They all wanted love, but didn't really know how to give it and didn't really know how to receive it. All in all, I liked it a lot, but I felt there were some missing pieces. Maybe that was intentional, though, since it's such a tightly written novel, full of so much complexity of the characters. I thought the writing was like roots of a plant grown in too-small a pot, where they get all tangled and wrapped around each other. Ok, that sounds kinda cheesy, but that's how I felt reading it, like they were all choking.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Three-year-old boys, Tree Frogs, and Pee Pee
I wrote this in April of '07. This 3-year-old is now 5.
You know a fun thing about 3-year-olds? Sometimes they really really really want to wear big boy underwear. And then say they don’t have to go to the bathroom before you leave for the library. And then when you are on the sidewalk outside of the library, they stop walking and PEE right there on the sidewalk. Through their big boy underwear and their shorts and make a big puddle on the ground. And then proceed to walk through it. And then wonder why said boy and mother and little brother cannot go into the library and pick out books on tree frogs!
Imagine the ensuing fit on the way back to the car:
Dripping wet pee pee boy: But, honey [said boy calls his mother honey; another subject for another day] I want books about tree frogs.
Frustrated mother: Honey, we have to go home and get you changed.
DWPPB: I want books about tree frogs.
More frustrated mother: You are soaking wet and need dry clothes.
DWPPB: [crying, now] I don’t need dry clothes. Don’t hold my hand. I want books about tree frogs.
Three-year-olds are nothing if not determined and persistent. They often have no idea about anything happening around them, including soaking wet pee pee clothes and pee pee footprints being left behind them, if they are on the trail of something much more exciting, like tree frogs and the various books that have been written about them. They also do not understand why Diego sandals must be washed after traipsing through pee pee puddles. Or why little boys have to be washed after having soaking wet pee pee clothes stuck to them all the way home from the library we never actually entered. Febreze, while miraculous, only works on the car seat cover so that it does not have to be dismantled by the nearest mechanical engineer in order to be washed for the second time in a week (oh, this same 3-year-old had a poopy blow-out in the car seat just 3 days ago). They have not yet invented “Little Boy Antibacterial Febreze”. Believe me, when they do, I will be the first in line.
You know a fun thing about 3-year-olds? Sometimes they really really really want to wear big boy underwear. And then say they don’t have to go to the bathroom before you leave for the library. And then when you are on the sidewalk outside of the library, they stop walking and PEE right there on the sidewalk. Through their big boy underwear and their shorts and make a big puddle on the ground. And then proceed to walk through it. And then wonder why said boy and mother and little brother cannot go into the library and pick out books on tree frogs!
Imagine the ensuing fit on the way back to the car:
Dripping wet pee pee boy: But, honey [said boy calls his mother honey; another subject for another day] I want books about tree frogs.
Frustrated mother: Honey, we have to go home and get you changed.
DWPPB: I want books about tree frogs.
More frustrated mother: You are soaking wet and need dry clothes.
DWPPB: [crying, now] I don’t need dry clothes. Don’t hold my hand. I want books about tree frogs.
Three-year-olds are nothing if not determined and persistent. They often have no idea about anything happening around them, including soaking wet pee pee clothes and pee pee footprints being left behind them, if they are on the trail of something much more exciting, like tree frogs and the various books that have been written about them. They also do not understand why Diego sandals must be washed after traipsing through pee pee puddles. Or why little boys have to be washed after having soaking wet pee pee clothes stuck to them all the way home from the library we never actually entered. Febreze, while miraculous, only works on the car seat cover so that it does not have to be dismantled by the nearest mechanical engineer in order to be washed for the second time in a week (oh, this same 3-year-old had a poopy blow-out in the car seat just 3 days ago). They have not yet invented “Little Boy Antibacterial Febreze”. Believe me, when they do, I will be the first in line.
Pacifiers and Oxygen
My two-and-a-half year-old loves his pacifer. I mean LOVES his pacifier. If a scientist did some sort of analysis of his pacifiers, I would not be surprised to learn that his are made out of pure oxygen. Necessary for life. He falls asleep with one in his mouth and one in each hand. And if I put him down and forget the ones he holds: "More paci, please." Recently, he got very interested in playing with a truck and set his paci down on the table. Since my hubby and I are weakly trying to break Ethan of this pacifier habit, I thought I could get over there all stealth and steal that pacifier away. I actually managed to get the pacifier and put it in his room. He didn't even notice he didn't have his pacifier until about a half an hour later (this is AMAZING, by the way). He came up to me and said, "More paci more paci more paci" - just like that - no punctuation.
Do we ever do that with God? Get more interested in something else and set Him down somewhere? Forget that He's our source of oxygen? I know I do. I'll read or work out or talk on the phone or work or wash dishes or any number of distracting things. Not anything wrong with any of those activities, except that I've left Him out. Skipped my quiet time. Forgotten to pray before I start my day. And then at some point, I realize I've set Him down somewhere. And I run to my Bible or hit my knees and say "More, God. More, God. More, God." And, thankfully, He's only as far away as the words on my lips.
Do we ever do that with God? Get more interested in something else and set Him down somewhere? Forget that He's our source of oxygen? I know I do. I'll read or work out or talk on the phone or work or wash dishes or any number of distracting things. Not anything wrong with any of those activities, except that I've left Him out. Skipped my quiet time. Forgotten to pray before I start my day. And then at some point, I realize I've set Him down somewhere. And I run to my Bible or hit my knees and say "More, God. More, God. More, God." And, thankfully, He's only as far away as the words on my lips.
The Gypsy Storyteller
The Gypsy Storyteller by Thomas William Simpson.
REVIEW: This is one of the best books I have ever read. Simpson drew me in right away and held on to me until the last page. He created and developed characters that I had certain feelings about at the beginning of the novel and those feelings completely changed by the end of the novel. Without me even realizing it. It is a finely woven tale of love, betrayal, and love in spite of betrayal.
RATED: R
STARS: 5+ out of 5
REVIEW: This is one of the best books I have ever read. Simpson drew me in right away and held on to me until the last page. He created and developed characters that I had certain feelings about at the beginning of the novel and those feelings completely changed by the end of the novel. Without me even realizing it. It is a finely woven tale of love, betrayal, and love in spite of betrayal.
RATED: R
STARS: 5+ out of 5
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